Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
