I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
