508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
