i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
