well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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