I wish my penis had an off switch
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
