The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
