I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
