i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
