Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize