woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
