Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
