how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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