mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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