my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
