a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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