I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
