everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
