True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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