some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
