So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
