I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
