Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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