Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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