I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
