i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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