Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
PANTIES FOUND
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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