Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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