I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
