i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
