Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
