I wish you could order shots online.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
