By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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