Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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