I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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