Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize