Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
