Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
