**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
