Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
