Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't turn off my feet"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize