hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
