I molested 6 butterflies tonight
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
