There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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