he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
