i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
