i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
as a side note pls kill me
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
