I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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