Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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