At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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