I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
