i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize