The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found a bag of teeth...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You've changed since you got that strap on
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