i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
