I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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