I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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