i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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