My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
