I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Drake has all the answers
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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