Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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